I was chatting with Emma, who’s been married for 25 years. She said:
Middle-aged couples, sweeping your own doorstep is the biggest kindness. Handle your own stuff, digest your unhappiness yourself, and spin in circles when you’re happy. Talk when you have something to say, do something when you have something to do. Stop letting your emotions drain you, and your relationship will get better and better.
When we were young, we imagined love as something that would add to our joy, something that would help us through tough times. It’s only in middle age that we realize marriage is a journey of self-cultivation, cultivating our mind and body, and improving our understanding of the world.
Get your mindset right, and your marriage will be smooth. As the psychologist says: One of the greatest discoveries in psychology is that a person can change their life by changing their mindset.
The height of life isn’t about seeing how much you can understand, it’s about letting go of how much you care.
Don’t Blame, Solving Problems Is the Way
When we were young and energetic, we all liked to argue about right and wrong, about winning and losing. It seemed like as long as we were right, we had the ultimate sense of superiority.
But in middle age, we realize that complaining and blaming don’t solve any problems. The ultimate sense of superiority only makes two people fall into opposing emotional states, and the problem remains a problem, or even creates more problems.
This emotional and emotional drain only pushes each other further apart.
Emma said that when she was young, she could argue about the smallest things. If the other person did something wrong and caused trouble for the family, her first reaction was to blame and complain. In the end, the two of them would argue and argue, arguing about their emotions, you blaming me, I blaming you, but the problem wasn’t solved at all.
In middle age, right and wrong are put aside, and the first thing to consider is solving the problem.
For example, not long ago, the man secretly lent a large sum of money to his good friend, but the money was overdue. His parents were suddenly sick and needed medical expenses, and the man was in a tough spot. He had no choice but to tell Emma everything.
In the past, Emma would have immediately criticized him, but now she wouldn’t. She first figured out how to solve the immediate problem and then took the time to listen to the man explain the situation.
It turned out that the man’s good friend’s child had been born with a serious illness and the friend was struggling financially. The man felt sorry for him and secretly lent him more money without a promissory note.
But the good friend was still struggling and, although he acknowledged the debt, he couldn’t repay it on time.
In the past, Emma would have been furious and yelled at him, but now she realized that blaming and yelling wouldn’t do any good. It was better to just solve the problem.
In middle age, we no longer care about the small details. If we can solve the problem with action, we will never let our emotions cause mental exhaustion.
Don’t Compare, Don’t Be Emotional, Live Your Own Life
Emma used to be one of those women who “hated that her husband wasn’t a dragon.” She’d see her husband’s lack of ambition and drive, and she would worry. When she got really angry, she would say, “Look at other people’s husbands, and then look at yourself!”
Especially during the years when her husband was just coasting along, whenever they argued, Emma would even blurt out, “I regret marrying you!”
There was no way around it, they had different values. Emma was competitive and ambitious, while her husband was easygoing and content, just wanting a simple life with his wife and children. These two people together were destined to be like Mars colliding with Earth, causing chaos.
Later, Emma also analyzed her own heart. She realized that she wasn’t really that interested in fame and fortune. She could accept her husband’s ordinary life. In fact, what attracted her to him was his calmness and composure. But in those years of being vain and pretentious, she couldn’t save face. She felt that her husband wasn’t ambitious enough and that he wasn’t as successful in his career as other men.
It wasn’t until she reached middle age, after seeing all kinds of joys and sorrows, rights and wrongs, that she truly appreciated her husband.
“The burden of life, a small part comes from survival, and a large part comes from comparison.”
When you’ve seen the world and met all kinds of people, you realize that the experience you need to gain is the courage and confidence within yourself. When you’ve seen the seasons change and the wind and clouds move, you realize that the beauty you need to see is the calmness and composure within yourself.
Mindset determines your life. When your mindset changes, your life will be smooth.